Sincerely, Hermione Granger
by Captainraychill
Summary: A holiday peek at Hermione's diary... or how she saves Ron from a fate worse than death.


**This was written for Scarlettcat, Christmas 2013. Warnings: implicit sexual situations, some profanity. Harry Potter is not mine; no profit is being made by me.**

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**SINCERELY, HERMIONE GRANGER**

**Friday, December 16, 2005**

Dear Diary,

Malfoy sent another owl today with more fabric swatches for The Weasel King's Pink Crotchless Superplum Fairy Costume, as he's started calling it (or rather writing it, in his girly Malfoy cursive). He thinks that I'll give in and rescue Ron from the consequences of his unwise wager, but I will not. Ron has many lessons to learn: how to chew with his mouth closed, how to hold his temper and how to multiply in the mathematical sense as opposed to the procreative sense. But chief among the lessons that Ron will definitely learn this joyous Christmas season is this: "Do not use Hermione Granger's kisses as currency when making bets with Draco Malfoy." Or with anyone else, for that matter.

I owled the swatch labeled "Blushing Bride" back to Malfoy with a large, black check mark on it. I think I'll use the other samples to sew some fairy wings for Lily Luna.

The Lovegood holiday party is tomorrow. I need to remember to wear the Nargle repellent Luna gave me for my birthday. It will make her happy, plus it does smell rather nice, like Shalimar and sugar cookies had sex and gave birth to a fragrant baby.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**Sunday, December 18, 2005**

Dear Diary,

Luna's party last night was a bit of a blur, but I do remember that three interesting things happened and that I was involved in 2.5 of them.

Firstly, Ron got so drunk on Leg Nog (Rolf's famous eggnog served in hollow mannequin legs) that he passed out before ten o'clock. However, he stayed conscious long enough to beg me to reconsider the consequences of his bet (HIS bet) with Malfoy over and over and over. "Please just kiss him, Hermione, please, please, please. I'll be your best friend. Vomit." When Dean and Neville carried him up the guest bedroom, Lavender confided in me that Malfoy was sending Ron three owls a day, featuring sketches of various Weasel King's Pink Crotchless Superplum Fairy Costumes. A tiara is now involved.

Secondly, Malfoy showed up at the party at eleven. I didn't even know that he and Luna were friends. He and I exchanged pleasantries. He complimented my taste in pinks. Then we went our separate ways. However, I am fairly certain that, later, he "accidentally" bumped into me in order to take a great, big sniff of my neck. Well, I must have been more pissed than I'd realized because it was… arousing. So, yeah. That was strange.

Thirdly, Luna had created this giant snow globe for everyone to play in! It was very fun and floaty. I remember bumping into Malfoy a few more times. But when Rolf announced that it was time for the Naked Snow Globe Orgy to begin and people started taking off their clothes, I graciously excused myself and went home.

I wonder if Malfoy stayed?

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**Wednesday, December 21, 2005**

Dear Diary,

Malfoy's morning owl informed me that the time and place of Ron's abject humiliation would be Christmas Eve Day at noon in the center of Diagon Alley. I can't imagine a busier time and place in the entire Wizarding world, except perhaps a Quidditch World Cup. I had lunch with Harry and Ginny, and they begged me to reconsider. I refused. When I stopped by the joke shop to buy some last-minute stocking stuffers, I asked George if he was going to beg me to reconsider, too. He just laughed and told me that he'd offered Malfoy his flat above the shop as Ballerina Weasley's dressing room.

Malfoy's evening owl told me that the choreographer would begin work with Ron at the Manor tomorrow at 1:00 PM and that I was more than welcome to observe. He also informed me that his slave labor (he actually referred to his house-elves as "slave labor"!) was still sequining The Weasal King's Pink Crotchless Superplum Fairy Costume but that it would be finished in time for the dress rehearsal at the Manor on the 23rd. Invitations are forthcoming.

Finished Lily Luna's fairy wings. They. Are. Adorable.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**Thursday, December 22, 2005**

Dear Diary,

In addition to Malfoy's owls, I received owls and Beggers from the following individuals today, all asking me to kiss Malfoy and, therefore, release Ron from his embarrassing obligation: Lavender, Harry, Ginny, Neville, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Arthur, Bill, Fleur and Kingsley. On the opposing team, George and Charlie are selling tickets to an exclusive dressing room event they have dubbed the "Come Watch Ballerina Weasley Get Pretty Party". Tickets are 50 Galleons per person or 100 Galleons per Slytherin. Ten tickets will be donated to "orphans of comedic promise."

The Prophet contacted me for a quote on Ron's "debut" but I declined to comment.

Finished wrapping my gifts and started baking pies.

After dinner, I received two more pieces of correspondence from Malfoy, both on gilt-edged cream paper with embossed printing.

The first item was a list of requirements for our kiss which read "your lips on my lips, at least thirty seconds, passionate (which means tongue, Granger) and wear something sexy". He is so bloody arrogant.

The second item was an invitation to Ron's dress rehearsal at the Manor tomorrow at 7:00 PM. There would be spirits and hors d'ouevres. The mention of hors d'oeuvres made me think of those wonderful stuffed olives the Ministry always serves at parties. Those stuffed olives made me think of the color green. And the color green made me think of Ron's face that day in second year, when he'd puked up slugs for hours because he had defended my honor... against Malfoy.

I'm confused now, and I'm going to bed.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

P.S.

Dear Diary, it's 3:14 AM, and I can't sleep! If I'm not thinking about Ron's green face then I'm thinking about kissing Draco Malfoy. I need my rest. I have to feed the poor tomorrow... today... whenever! Bloody, useless poor!

**Friday, December 23, 2005**

Dear Diary,

Today, I was a saint! Saint Hermione. (There actually was a Saint Hermione, of Ephesus. She died a martyr in 117 A.D. during the persecution of Christians under the Roman Emperor, Trajan. But less about her and more about me.) Today, this Saint Hermione fed the poor, rescued a cat from a gutter and saved Ronald Bilius Weasley from a fate worse than death.

I put on a sexy dress – my new, red one - so that Malfoy couldn't say I hadn't met his expectations. I sprayed Nargle repellant on my wrists and neck. Then I Apparated to the gates of Malfoy Manor with only fifteen minutes to spare. The orchestra was warming up when I entered the ballroom. Harry saw me, grinned like a drunken pixie and ran up the stairs two at a time. Malfoy saw me, and his jaw hit the floor with a very satisfactory thud.

Having decided that it was best to have witnesses present, I levitated a tiny, thirty-second hourglass in the air, flipped it with a snap of my fingers and then began to snog Malfoy absolutely senseless! It was wonderful! There was passion, and there was tongue. Lots of lovely, wet, hot, sexy tongue. I've never been so turned on in my life! I'm not sure how long we kissed, but it was much longer than thirty seconds. And I think there was some cheering. When we came up for air, we were alone, in a snowy garden, and I had no idea how we'd gotten there.

"Bet satisfied?" I asked because I couldn't form a complete sentence.

"Fuck, yes," Draco groaned, his arms still holding me close. I'm happy to report that he sounded as breathless as me.

And then, even though he looked gorgeous and ravished and all I wanted to do was shag him into the snow like a horny, snow bunny, I did the most fantastic thing instead! I stepped back, smiled and Apparated home.

It. Was. Brilliant!

Then I masturbated for several hours. That was also brilliant.

Knackered now. Off to bed. Or sleep, I mean. You know what I mean.

Draco! Draco! Draco!

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**Monday, December 26, 2005**

Dear Diary,

Happy Belated Christmas! I've been too busy to write. Christmas Eve with my parents and Christmas Day with the Weasleys and Potters at the Burrow.

I have never felt more like a rock star. When Ron saw me, he fell to his knees and pledged his everlasting fealty. I didn't even know he knew the word "fealty." Everyone loves me. Everyone thanked me (except for George and Charlie, who had lost around 3500 Galleons in potential ticket sales). I got the first cup of eggnog. The first slice of ham. An entire pumpkin pie. Nom nom nom. Molly took me aside after lunch and gave me the secret recipe to her heavenly rum balls. When she told me that the recipe had never been passed out of the Weasley family, not in five hundred years of rum balls, I cried.

By the way, Lily Luna loves her wings. When she called herself the Superplum Fairy, Ron almost choked to death on a roasted chestnut. Ha ha!

Also, like any rock star worth her salt, I have a stalker.

Draco Malfoy held out for 48 hours before he started sending the owls, gifts, flowers and Beggers on Christmas night. He says he can't stop thinking about our kiss, about me, that he'll do anything to see me again. Anything. What a delightfully unwise and un-Slytherin promise to commit in writing. I decided to test my power. An hour ago, I sent him an owl and my Floo address.

The owl read: "Come to me wearing The Ferrett's Pink Crotchless Superplum Fairy Costume (tiara included) and I will shag you all night long."

I wonder if

**Tuesday, December 27, 2005**

Dear Diary,

I only have the time and energy for a very brief list:

1. Oh. My. GODS!

2. Draco Malfoy is my new favorite person.

3. Whoever invented the concept of "crotchless" is my new, second favorite person.

4. Pink is nice.

5. Draco is really BIG.

6. I am really sore. Hee hee!

7. I love shagging in the bathtub.

8. Why can't I wash all these sequins out of my hair?

9. He didn't stay for the Naked Snow Globe Orgy either.

10. He thinks I smell "divine". I guess he's not a Nargle.

11. I've never tasted anything better than these rum balls in my entire life.

12. Draco! Draco! Draco!

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

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**THE END**

**Thank you for reading; reviews are welcomed! :)**


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